i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
