the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
