i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
