i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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