Even the bartender felt bad for me
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
