He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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