a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
