I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
