In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
It's just like the Real World with babies
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize