I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
My ass is underappreciated
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
