I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
