Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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