I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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