what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
