You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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