I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
