the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
