gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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