my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
