R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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