Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I am one with the molecules
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Never let your siblings swipe right.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
