I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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