i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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