He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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