I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
