I swear she didn't look like that last week.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize