i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Houston, we have a blender
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
