put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize