I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Randomize
