I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
last night I used snow as a chaser
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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