Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
