Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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