I think my fart just growled at me.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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