I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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