It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
