Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
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