we have officially lost it.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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