did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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