I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I lost the right to judge tonight
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
