You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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