For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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