Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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