my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
