i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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