Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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