All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
