I'm pants shitting drunk right now
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
