um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
