All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
