Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
