if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
