need another drink. this is the easiest way
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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