Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
it's like iHOP with fire
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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