she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
