she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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