I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize