I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
