I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
