can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
