Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
