Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
