I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
