just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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