My cat gives me a boner
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
