I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
