so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
