I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
