I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
