i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
