i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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