No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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