I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
