Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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