You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
