Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
