we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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