I heard we made out
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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