I want to have your abortion
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Randomize